Oh dears. It's been a month since I've posted. Whoops. I keep saying I'll remember to write and the funny thing is is that I really do want to. It's just that lately I've been more hesitant to write what I want. It's not hard for someone to find this if they really want to; case in point, Tokyo. Okay well when he asked I did help him. Mainly because if I didn't he'd have been a major pain in the ass. Plus, it's not like I'm hiding anything. It's just awkward sometimes when someone is reading something you wrote for a totally different audience (yourself, a few friends). Even though I know this journal is public and I have no intention of changing it, it's still odd.

Why don't I just change it to private? Would make it a lot easier. I mean, there will be (and are) new guys in my life- if they find it it's just awkward again. Fact is there's a lot of bullshit about exboy (damnit they make me sick now) and Tokyo got a few posts. On one hand there's nothing wrong with that. I wrote those when I was with those guys (or however you want to say it, it seems I'm always sort-of-together-but-not) and writing things is like talking for me; it's cathartic, saves some people the hassle of listening to me and it sorts out my mind that's always caught between the life and death serious and the day to day drama of being a talkative, mishap-prone, always active little tornado of a girl.

Still, though. I feel as though when you're with someone else you consciously know they were with other people, but it's not pleasant to actually be confronted with this fact. Oh oh oh wait, before I continue this I should introduce you all to the new guy in my life. What should I call him? He used to work with me at the Apple store but calling him Apple boy is weird. Genius boy? Because damn he makes me look retarded. Even though he's not a Genius at the store (like the position). OH I KNOW! I'll call him iBoy. Or iGuy? I don't want it to rhyme but I don't want it to be like exboy. I don't know why I'm arguing with myself in my own post. Fuck that, I want to call him iBoy. So iBoy has just graduated from college, really tall and really cute and really smart. And of course he's funny and sweet.

So anyway, iBoy recently broke up with his girlfriend (within the past month or so) and he still has some things in his room from her. I don't know if he notices they're there; I don't want to mention them necessarily because I know they're broken up and he doesn't seem to be pining away over her. And honestly it's easy enough to get over them being up there. The reminder that he was that sweet to someone else and all that is not the most comfortable thing to think about. But I have old texts from Tokyo and my old phone does have them from exboy. I should recycle that phone; those are all lies, anyway. Bitter a bit still. And the things I've written are nothing if not a reminder that I once was deeply involved with these other guys. I don't want to delete them; it's not like I did anything wrong. I don't want to make them private because I feel as though I was trying to hide something that I don't need to.

Plus, I keep this all for the same reason I keep most of my old notebooks and all my nonsense doodles and the random shit I write down. I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget what I've learned and I don't want to forget that I got through all the bullshit and all the sadness and all the stupid missing of some guy who was never worth my time. I don't want to forget that I need to remember what I deserve. Even though I know unless I experience head trauma, get Alzheimer's or get myself into some other unforeseen circumstance that causes amnesia that I won't forget things, it still scares me. It terrifies me that my father has forgotten so much and I suppose part of the reason I write it because no matter how awful the writing, how angsty I sound, how pathetic I am or retarded my problem was, it's still a record somewhere.

Though it makes me insanely uncomfortable and sometimes almost nauseous to read what I wrote about exboy (like how fucking stupid am I, really?) I don't want to be so ashamed of my past I try to delete it. Regardless of how disgusted it makes me now (and damn does it sometimes), it made me who I am today. Being ashamed of my past makes me ashamed of who I became because of it. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone thinks that the wrong person is amazing, everyone makes bad character judgement and everyone has that one (at least) fucked up ex who messed up their head. And I may be scatterbrained, always late, always doing a million things at once, unable to make plans until 3 minutes before they happen and chronically random, but I still have certain ideas I want to live by.

I don't ever want to regret the past. I can want it to never happen again and acknowledge it was bad, but I can't change it. I won't waste my time with regrets and I as long as I'm happy with where I am, I can't hate the past. I want to be happy with where I am. I don't have to be thrilled and I can strive all I want to get somewhere else, but I don't want to waste my time angry when I can be changing something. Well, I don't want to waste a lot of time angry. I don't want to forget. Ever. Some memories I am happy with fading. I don't want to forget what I learned, what it taught me and how it changed me. I want to remember that even bad things come with good side effects sometimes and that dwelling on the bad changes nothing but my mood from bad to worse.

I don't need to live as fast as I once felt I had to. Even though it's almost been a year since I found out I was okay, I haven't slowed down as much as I probably should. It takes longer than a year to shake the odd fears and idiosyncrasies I developed from thinking I might never be able to have the things I wanted, though I have made progress. Maybe eventually I'll be able to throw things away. Maybe one day I can put old entries up as private without feeling that I was betraying where I've come from. I hope so. Maybe it's just a weird quirk of mine.

So now when I think about it, it doesn't exactly worry me; just causes me to wonder if I'll regard this with apprehension one day. The things iBoy has from his ex don't bother me; sure, we're not together so maybe it shouldn't, but I believe I have an intense fear of being jealous or particularly possessive so I just trust. However, this doesn't mean that some other guy I'm with will share this same opinion of my texts or entries or whatever. Some things I get. If I had 'I love you' texts or something particularly sexual or something like that, sure, those need to go. But other kinds? I don't know how this works.

In the end, though, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who didn't give me a chance to explain, and if they couldn't at least understand where my fear of forgetting came from, would I really want to be with them?

Haha, this post has only taken me forever to finish. Oh well. Done now.

I should so be asleep. But I was looking back over entries and trying to figure out what in the world I was thinking. Entry after entry, it's all 'omg imisshimsomuch thissucks iwanttobewithhim sadnesspainmissing' and so on like that. Fair enough, I'm usually my harshest critic- and I have to say, I had to resist the urge to delete every single one of them- but still. It was ridiculous.

What's even more ridiculous is that I cannot for the life of me remember how I felt about him. How do you just forget you loved someone? That freaks me out. I feel like that's not normal. And even though I'm rarely normal, this is an instance where I'd prefer it to be a bit closer to the typical. It also just scares me. Does that mean I'll just forget how I feel about Tokyo as well? I don't want to forget these people who meant so much to me. Not that I don't want to move on; at some point, I will obviously have to. But I don't want to look back and go 'What the fuck, I don't feel anything now'.

Maybe it's just too easy to write exboy off because Tokyo was so much cooler. Damnit, if he actually reads this, it is so only stoking his ego. For the record, it wasn't harder to be cooler than exboy. It's also that after I found out he cheated, my view of him changed so radically I don't even know who the real boy is. I was so sure I knew him. And I know, we're all wrong sometimes. But even though yes, I had warnings in the intensity of my insecurities and in hindsight I definitely see warning signs, there were some things I never ever thought to doubt with him. I doubted his feelings about me but never his integrity. This wasn't an on the fly decision. It was something I decided after observing him and being in close contact with him for months. I pay attention to repeated details. Like most other human beings, every single thing, word and tone that someone else does or says or uses is analyzed and filed away.

So my judgement wasn't based on nothing. It was an educated guess. And now I really don't know how wrong I was. I know I was wrong, but how many things I was wrong about I just don't know. Either way, it's hard to miss someone once you don't know them.

However, upon reflection and re-reading (or skimming) of old entries, I'm pretty sure I have it figured out, what his hold on me was. Or at least I've come to an explanation I'm okay with, because I want to know why I decided some asshole was awesome. This will probably change as I'll constantly change my opinions based on new information. But that's okay.

Sad and simple as it is, I think I was so caught up in him because he played me perfectly. Actually that's not fair. He didn't mean to; he simply could not have thought enough into it to have played me. In all fairness he did make me a more worldly person. He did show me things I never would have learned otherwise and I am happy I knew many of these things before I went to college. He really did represent the rest of the world that I so often lost sight of, locked up in the halls of MSDA and my home. That explains his importance to me. My issues with my best friend and my family problems left a gaping hole just waiting to be filled.

And lo and behold- he comes along. He gives just enough to keep me holding on, but never enough to make me bored. He was funny and he was bad and he was random and he was interesting and that was enough to pull me in. He blew hot and cold constantly and the roller coaster, though nauseating and not my favorite ride, kept me in because once I decide someone is worth it, it's really hard for me to give up on them. I don't know why. I guess it's just my problem with letting things go. What I had convinced me I wanted more. And when I had to fight for it or hang on while he was being standoffish, I'd tell myself it was worth it so I wouldn't be as upset. And I'd just get sucked in even farther.

It was awful. He was perfect, alright, in that almost every weakness I have to be exploited he hit. And he hit in a way that was so perfectly accidental I would bet a lot he had absolutely no idea he did it. He was the fascinating bad boy, he was the cool kid who didn't care what people thought about him and once he let me in, he had problems I could help with. Oh, I made every stereotypical mistake stereotypical teenage girls make. I had to wait for the trust and for the large doses of affection and so when I got them I figured they were genuine. Not like Tokyo, where I got that upfront. That didn't make sense to my mind, in which the only things I get that I don't work for are grades.

And I never really knew where I stood with exboy. Even after I'd ask him and he'd tell me, he'd do things that would bely that. He was like the soap opera that drags you in. The car crash you can't stop watching. The drugs you can't stop doing. I always wanted to know. I'd always be driven crazy by not knowing. And just like Tokyo, instead of going 'Fuck that shit I don't care' I'd stick with it to try and figure out. My insatiable curiosity will be the death of me.

So once I finally decided what I meant to him, I lost interest in sticking with someone who wasn't keen on sticking with me. He began to contradict himself in bad ways. My self-confidence was finally like 'Okay Katie, what the fuck is he doing and what the fuck are you doing'. I finally had closure and an answer to something that had bothered me for at least a year. It stopped being a problem I had to figure out.

And then I rashly decided to go back to this other guy. I remember deciding I was lonely and I remembering deciding I wouldn't hit Tokyo the next time he tried to kiss me and or feel me up. I don't remember why. I remember it didn't feel odd anymore. I also remember it feeling like a perfectly natural and logical thing to do. Let's be serious. I was telling everyone, including myself, that I didn't like him and that I didn't want to be with him and I would never sleep with him. But what was I in fact doing? I was texting him all the time and hanging out with him despite the fact I knew he was going to try and get in my pants. I delighted in the fact that he was totally my bitch. I totally actually thought about what to wear Wednesdays to recitation (An would go JEANS KATIE?!?!) and even though I could sit next to someone else I'd always sit next to him.

Seriously, I do not in any way doubt that I was not ready to be with him before the end of March. I know I needed closure. In a way, I probably also wanted to prove to myself that I had really loved exboy by not being with anyone else right away. But saying I didn't like Tokyo? The only answer I have to this discrepancy in my normally erratic but explainable behavior is this: denial. A lot of denial. Tokyo was a huge pain in the ass and I'd bitch about it. And I had every right to complain that we couldn't just hang out without him trying something. But fact was is that every text and every time he IMed me and every time we'd joke about how he was my bitch, I definitely didn't hate it.

So when I finally got tired of the enigma that was exboy, I was on like autopilot and we all know where I ended up. Strange, really. I don't really remember the first week or two of April. It all just seemed like what I should have been doing all along, so I never really thought about it or questioned it. Clearly the only barrier that ever stood between me and what I wanted was myself, my caution, my denial and mostly my stupidity. I regret that I did not tire of exboy's bullshit faster, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

What I should do now, though, is go the fuck to sleep. I have to work again tomorrow. And I'd like to be coherent. I like that. I feel like some of this post is repeated. But whatever. I'm sick of talking about it, I sound like a broken record to everyone and writing makes patterns clearer. I'm completely apathetic now to exboy, not only because I don't know who he is but because there's no allure anymore. There's no mystery, there's nothing I have to fight for, there's nothing to gain and there's no prize I can tell myself awaits me if I wait long enough. Thus nothing to balance out his bad traits. When it comes down to it, the relationship probably did more good than harm. But that's because of what the relationship made me realize, not what he himself did for me.


So fuck that shit. Now I swear I'm really going to sleep. I feel sort of sick. I'll read this over tomorrow and proof it. It's probably awful and should be deleted for the amount of repeated content. But please god, I need something to balance out every fucking thing I wrote from like September to February. It's such a butchery of the English language. It's so painful. It's a disgrace. But that's okay, because I have seen the error of my ways and now I know better. I hope. Either way, at least now I'm doing better. Much better.

And if you didn't catch that play on words, go read that line again because it's just truly fantastic. At least, it is considering it's 2:09 AM.

Words cannot even explain the depth of my current shock. I wrote out this whole long post. It was about how I was insecure about where I stand with people or what I mean to them. How exboy's behavior only gave more fodder to this insecurity. How he proved the insecurity right, in a way. But that before I found out that he had proved it right, my sense of self-worth had gone way up. How I had been trying for a long time to silence my immediate knee-jerk reactions. How I had gotten pretty good. How I refused to let exboy (or I guess the memory of him) stop this progress towards not being so insecure about my relationships. How I didn't want to doubt Tokyo or any other guy. How I especially didn't want to doubt them because of what some asshole did. How they deserved better. How I deserved not to feel like I had to second guess myself.

It was lovely. And then I accidentally deleted all of it. And it autosaved the draft after it deleted it. So on the plus side, now my insecurity doesn't get any attention. Which is good. It's like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. On the minus side, there was definitely some good stuff in there about exboy and Tokyo and how I refused to spend the life I got back doubting people who meant a lot to me. And how sure, I was wrong about trusting exboy, but I was wrong in not trusting Tokyo too. So basically, the post was to say: Fuck you insecurity and fuck yourself (or your skanky-bitchy-not-in-a-good-way girlfriend) exboy. I can't stand constantly second guessing myself. So I just won't.


There's also a lot less cursing in this post. I can't decide whether that's good or bad. Either way, I'm going to go see if I can find some site that will let me watch the Germany-Portugal game for free. Fuck ESPN360. And fuck how expensive airfare is. And before this degenerates into me saying 'fuck (insert thing that annoys me here)', I'm going to go do something productive. Like play the Sims. Or stalk my passport.

So it's 12:30, I worked for 8 hours today and a total of 13 hours yesterday (counting babysitting). Everything (well my legs and my back) hurt like hell, I would kill for a back massage and for a knee brace and some highly powerful narcotic painkiller. But I don't have to wake up early tomorrow morning cause I have the day off (oh joy) and I don't think I could sleep right now. So I'm going to do a mindless survey and hope by the end of it I can fall asleep. I stole it from Germaine. I know, what now.

What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
Hm, the last person I texted was NatNat. She's a really good friend of mine =D

What is wrong with you right now?
Haha well most of my friends would tell you a lot. Really, though, I just hurt from standing up all day. I would also like to be able to think straight again. Telling customers who are leaving the store 'Hi how are you' is an understandable but stupid mistake.

Do you ever miss your first love?
To be totally honest, no. Every once in a while I miss who I thought he was, but over all I just feel bad about him and gossip about him. And think up awesome ways to insult his current girlfriend because girls like her are why girls have such a bad reputation.

When did you lasy cry?
Wednesday? When I wrote last. That was the last time tears came out of my eyes. Really cried? Damned if I know, months at least.

Who do you hate?
Customers who are rude or treat you like you're somehow less than them, certain bitches, and...yeah that's about it.

Do you like anyone right now?
Yeah I suppose you could say that

What do you want in your life right now?
I'm pretty happy, but I would do with either a teleporter, a good fake ID, or my original retainer back (i know, weird, but my teeth hurt). Clearly, I'm preferential to one of the first two, and neither of them make me sound very good

Are you happy?
As a general rule, yeah

What are you listening to?
My iTunes on Shuffle.

What do you smell like?
What I normally smell like?

Drinking?
Nothing at the moment

What time do you go to bed?
Whenever I feel like it/decide that if I don't go to sleep now tomorrow & class/work will suck so I go to sleep

What did you do last night?
Got home from working at Apple and went to babysit, then got annoyed at the ATM for not taking my check, then came home & listened to music / watched a few minutes of a movie before passing the fuck out

What do you wear to bed?
Shorts and a t-shirt, sometimes a tank top.

Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
Honestly, I try not to. I'm sure I do on occasion but overall, no. My relationships are complicated by nature, I try not to make them any worse

What did you do yesterday?
I went to work, went babysitting, and passed out, because as far as I'm concerned it's still Sunday so yesterday was Saturday. I also go my first paycheck!

Is your shirt new?
Nah I got it over a year ago

Are you scared of bugs?
Sometimes, I fucking screamed when this huge ass bug was right outside my dorm door. I also freak out when they crawl on me. But usually I'm not that bad. Not fond of spiders though.

What did you do today?
Went to work, went to my friend's house with another friend, sat around and talked. Had a beer. They made brownies, they were pretty damn good.

What do you think of Eminem?
I enjoy knowing all the words to some of his songs.

Do you read?
Yeah, not as much as I used to though

Do you sleep with a teddy bear?
Yeah sometimes. I have pillows to hug but sometimes I use a bear too

Whose house have you been to today?
Jamie's

What about the yesterday?
I babysat so I was at their house.

Are you bored?
Nah just tired

What is the last movie you watched?
From beginning to finish? I don't remember, maybe Juno? Pride and Prejudice? Casino Royale? I watched some of Indiana Jones and I'm watching Run Lola Run (Lola Rennt, biatches)

o you say "dawg"?
Yeah, my Jersey accent can get pretty bad sometimes

What are you excited about?
Sleeping, making enough money to not be broke all the time, the summer in general and all the possibilities (oh, I wanted to write bloomabilities but I don't know who would get it)

What do you think about Valentines Day?
I feel like putting so much pressure on any day can end badly but it'd be nice to have a sweet one at least once. And this Valentines Day sucked balls, stupid exams.

Who was last person to cook for you?
My mom

Who was your last text message from?
NatNat

What's on your mind right now?
Silly, who else would be?

Who was the last person to make you cry?
If we count last Wednesday as crying, then...I don't know, who do you blame for that? Ironically, I cry over the boys in my life- both my family and my stupid boys. Usually just when I'm PMSing or something. But I don't cry very often or very much or for very long. Not really crying but close enough

Name someone whose name starts with the letter "R"
Wow, I have no friends who's names start with R. Robbie, I suppose, I know a few of those

Do you care what others think about you?
Yeah, to a certain extent. I do care what my close friends think about me and I would prefer if acquaintances and strangers don't think anything untrue of me, but it's not the end of the world if they do. I care what the people I care about think of me though, to some extent. Depends on the person and what they think

Do you trust people easily?
Yeah, usually

Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
I hope so, but you never know

Will you ever kiss the last person you kissed again?
I'm keeping the gist of Germaine's answer instead of saying something mean about Tokyo
I really, really hope so. But I don't know if it will happen, because I've decided that while I am psychic, I simply cannot predict the future, especially not when it involves him

What do you look forward to in the next 3 months?
The summer and seeing people I miss (at least some of them)

Who was the last person you called?
Katie. And before that An. I miss An.

What's your ring tone?
Sweetness by Jimmy Eat World

Do you plan on moving out within the next year?
No. I think I'll be living at home for a while, though I'll obviously be living back at Tufts for the school year

What were you doing at 9pm last Friday night?
I was at dinner with my sister/best friend

What happened at 10:00 am today?
I was driving to work wondering what the hell I was going to do about my family


Yeah that worked. I'm fucking exhausted. I'm going to go pass out. Hopefully that makes my body feel better. I slept for 9 hours last night and I woke up feeling a little better, but when 9 hours doesn't make you feel totally fine again, it's not a good sign.

But yeah, after Monday (today, I suppose) I have to work every day until Sunday definitely. It might be everyday until the Thursday after next (the 26th). What fun times! Though some of the days I'm only working three hours. I'm picking up some of someone else's shifts because I didn't get scheduled for many hours. And I need money. So I'll work. And then spend my little free time thinking up all the awesome things I could do with this money

Alright sleep time. Before I pass out while typing.

I'm really rather shocked. I was looking through bumper stickers today and found this one that said 'I don't miss you- I miss who I thought you were'. I paused and thought, Hm, that describes my feelings for exboy. And then I realized that they really don't. I look at his myspace (I know, who uses it, but I know people who only use it, not facebook) and I feel....nothing. Not regret, not sadness, not loneliness, not anger, really, not anything. I don't even know who he is. All those things he did and all those things he said that made me love him, I doubt all of them. I'd like to think that not all of it was contrived and that he was oblivious rather then intentional and retarded instead of cruel, because I'd like to think I'm not that easily fooled. Because if I am, then what about the next guy? What about Tokyo and what about whoever comes after him, and the one after that?


I refuse to think like that. Thus, if Tokyo turns out to be a lying bastard, I'll really have some serious anger to deal with. So he better not be just another guy who acted like he cared more than he really did and never really liked me that much. Though did exboy like me? Questions he never answered, either because he couldn't face the truth or didn't want me to. Problem is, I think from the way he acted and what he said that he did, but it's too hard to tell because he lied to me.

See, this is why I hate liars. Just don't do it. I'd rather be hurt originally by the truth and be able to cope with it later. Like Tokyo said once he was falling in love with me- yes, I liked hearing it and yes, I'd be very upset if I found out it was lie, and yes, I'd be hurt if he never said anything like it. Very few girls like relationships in which the guy is primarily with them for physical reasons (with them meaning anything from routinely hooking up and onwards). I am not an exception. I can see the point of white lies and I see many points in which lying can be protecting someone, and sometimes it's done not because you don't care for the person but because you care too much.

I think a majority of the time though, it's better to know and then deal with it from there. Sometimes it'll be fucking hard. I'm guilty of some things bordering on lies in order to protect someone. Not outright lies, but highlighting or stressing one thing which was a complete truth and not talking as much about something else. And I know everyone does it and it worked out, but now I just feel bad. I don't want to get that. Like, when people turn possible romantic interests down or break up with someone, it seems like there are these lines people use that may or may not be true to skirt around the bigger issue- they don't like that person. I got that bullshit. I've used it to some extent. Problem is, it's what you say and why you're saying it and what you expect them to do. And my mind reading only stretches to certain people.

Ah fuck that. How did I end up talking about this? This is not what I was thinking about tonight. It wasn't even why I decided to write, not even a little. I ended up on this because what I really wanted to write about was not public post material and I don't even know what to say anyway. Anything I say comes out wrong when I read it again.

Ah fuck life. Fuck life because there are so very rarely straight answers and almost never clear choices. Fuck life because it puts you in the worst situations where you actually have to use your world view. Fuck life because oil is up and the dollar is down and sometimes it feels like an inexorable slide into chaos and confusion and bad. Wow I'm so articulate at 2 in the morning. Fuck life for being hard. (You're supposed to fuck hard things, you know. I couldn't resist, I'm sorry). Most of all, fuck life for still dragging me back in time and time again in it's defense. I'll rant and rave and it sounds like I'm the most miserably depressed fucker since Edger Allen Poe or something (talking to ravens is never a sign of a well-adjusted person). Seriously. Sometimes I look at old stuff and I actually cringe. I'd like to think I'm fairly mature (when, you know, the situation demands such a thing), cheerful, well-adjusted (considering) and, well, a decent person. I look like an immature whiny emo brat!

But no, it sounds like that, but in fact, I'd say I'm a very happy person. I'm happy a vast majority of the time. I don't dwell on things that make me sad, except for the fact that distance sucks and airplanes are too expensive. My sadness is just sadness and not angst. Really, even though I fucking hate life's fucking guts sometimes, fact is I'm happy, I'm happy with my life. Very happy. There's plenty of things I'd change (first off, add a zero or two after the balance in my savings account, and then let's get started on some bad proteins and the fact teleportation is not yet possible) but....yeah, you get the point.

I would also change the fact that the power keeps going out. That sucks balls.




I'd also like to fast forward 3 years and 6 months. That would be hot.

[ONE] Who are your last three texts from?
Oh I just deleted some. Eve, Katie and Greg/Nat/Chrissy are the last people to text me.

[TWO] Where was your default pic taken?
On facebook? In my (old) dorm room

[THREE] What is your middle name?
Ellen

[FOUR] Your current relationship status?
Single

[FIVE] Does the person you like, like you back?
Oh please I don't like him, I hate him. =P

[SIX] what is your current mood?
Tired and I ache all over, but happy like usual

[SEVEN] Whats your moms name?
Paula

[EIGHT] What color shirt are you wearing?
Red

[NINE] Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Hmmm, I don't know, maybe. I hate him though, remember?

[TEN] If you could go back in time and change something would you?
I don't know. For the first time ever I can think of something that I would do differently, but....I like the way things turned out, so I don't know if I'd change it

[ELEVEN] Do you have a crazy side?
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, oh do I

[TWELVE] Ever had a near death experience?
In a way yes. And several near-very-bad-accident experiences.

[THIRTEEN] What is something you do a lot?
Talk? Laugh? Eat?

[FOURTEEN] Angry at anyone?
Right this second? No

[FIFTEEN] Do you wanna see somebody right now?
YES AND I FUCKING CAN'T WHAT THE FUCK

[SIXTEEN] Do you like drama?
Only if it's describing the tv show or movie I'm watching

[SEVENTEEN] When was the last time you cried?
I don't know, I haven't cried at all in a while and I haven't cried-cried (cried for more than 1-2 minutes) since...well I cried in frustration over chem.

[EIGHTEEN] Who would you do anything for ?
I'd do anything and everything for my close friends

[NINETEEN] Who is your hero?
I don't have one that I can think of

[TWENTY] What is the one thing you notice about the opposite sex first?
His height, his hair, his smile, his eyes and his general aura- is he confident, cocky, tense, happy, what? And I know that's not just one thing but I'm a girl. I never just notice one thing.

[TWENTY-TWO] Whats your biggest secret?
I don't know if I have any. I mean there's some things some of my friends don't know but overall, I feel like I'd rather be open about my life than waste my time hiding shit

[TWENTY-THREE] Where is your ex?
Well, my ex is currently probably in his basement or his girlfriend's apartment with said girlfriend. Tokyo (does he count as an ex? What the fuck is he?) is in, well, Tokyo. Duh. Taking a test to get his permit I think

[TWENTY-FOUR] Would you ever take him or her back?
Exboy? Yes, because I take cheating liars back. Tokyo? I guess I might think about it =P

[TWENTY-FIVE] Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
When I babysit

[TWENTY-SIX] What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Nothing. I just ate a bagel, a donut and drank tea

[TWENTY-SEVEN] Do you speak any other language?
Ich bin Deutsch lernen!

[TWENTY-EIGHT] Whats your favorite smell?
Chocolate chip cookies baking and fucking amazing cologne.

[THIRTY] Have you ever kissed in the rain?
I have kissed while it was raining but not in the rain. This is indeed a serious problem

[THIRTY-ONE] Do you like the rain?
Yeah as long as it doesn't last for weeks.

[THIRTY-TWO] What are you thinking about right now?
How I should get a digital camera, how Boston probably won, how I should be going to sleep, how aggravated I am about something

THIRTY-THREE] What should you be doing right now?
Going to sleep, I need it

[THIRTY-FOUR] What is your favorite memory?
I don't know, what kind of memory? I have a lot of great ones

[THIRTY-FIVE] What are you listening to?
My iTunes is on shuffle. Right now it's Modest Mouse.

[THIRTY-SIX] Who was the last person you told i love you to?
Ummm....I don't know. I think An or my mom or my dad

[THIRTY-SEVEN] Who was the last person you yelled at?
Some fucking driver. But they didn't know I was yelling at them. Probably my dad or one of my brothers

[THIRTY-EIGHT] Do you act differently around the person you like?
I don't know. I probably get meaner and I laugh more. But it's not like I'm a totally different person

[FORTY] Who was the last person to make you smile?
Sofa or Katie cause I was talking to them


Damn I'm tired. I need to go to sleep. And I need to get new music. Who feels like downloading songs and sending them to me?

Damn battery. I wanted to write while I was babysitting for Jesse & Lucy, but no. My battery needs to decide to hate me and not work. And it was going to be a witty, funny, entertaining entry that had nothing to do with my family and little to do with guys. At least, it wasn't going to mention any guys who I don't particularly care for. Do we realize how amazing such an entry would have been?

I was actually sort of watching Casino Royale and I was just going to comment on that. I turned the tv on and found it. Of course, I've never actually seen the whole thing. I was otherwise occupied for the first part of it and when I started paying attention, I was a bit lost. Tonight when I found it it was at about the same part, which is sort of a pain. I'd rather have gotten the ending or the beginning and then watched that middle part. The middle has some attached memories or memories of feelings I'd really rather forget. Honestly. They're not worth the neural connections they're taking up.

By the way, did you know that women remember things better than men when stressed than men in comparable situations? Estrogen does something to make the memories clearer and more detail oriented and less fuzzy than guys. Plus side? Your girlfriend or wife or female friend is probably right when you're arguing about who said what, so shut the fuck up, apologize, buy her some chocolate and have some hot make up sex. Minus side? We get stuck remembering shit we don't want to. Damn, I should be asleep. I need to wake up in a little over 7 hours. I'm going to be so dead tomorrow at 6 when I get out of work. I'm going to pass the fuck out.

But for now I need to stay up a little longer so I might as well write, right? Right. So Casino Royale. It's also so much easier to follow after playing so much poker. I had some idea of what the fuck was going on half the time. Okay my brother is here I need to move. He's bothering me.

Alright so now I'm upstairs. It's so fucking hot and humid. And one of my brothers stole my air conditioners. I sense a purchase of a new one coming on and I will so get it. Not them. Wait, who the hell said it could be June? What the fuck? I just left school and it's June. I'm so confused. The most annoying thing though is that I have to know the day of the week because of work. I really like work. I like what I'm doing, I really like who I'm working with, I like the general atmosphere and I really don't even mind customers all the much. Well most of them. I want to throw printers at some of them. Or stereos- those are heavy and hurt a lot. I lament the fact that I need to know the day of the week.

I also lament how from babysitting I've made over 100 dollars just since I got home and I have only 20 bucks right now. Where does this cash go? Thank god for direct deposit or I shudder to think what would happen to my paycheck.



Alrighty so now it's tomorrow. I just got off of work. It was actually quite a nice day. I didn't have any nasty customers; actually, I just got mostly nice ones. I was supposed to be on table, which means I check people into appointments, get their repairs, check people out (you know, selling them stuff, jesus you perverts), deal with angry people, that kind of thing. But I ended up greeting most of the day, which means I just stand by the door and say hello and goodbye to people and ask them if they need help. So I didn't have to deal with angry people, except people who don't think they should need appointments to get their computers looked at. Okay, well, I can understand not knowing. I don't understand getting angry at me about it.

Either way, there just weren't many mean people. And I got to talk for most of the day to cool people who I work with. The best part of my job? 75% of the people who work there are guys. My particular position does have a lot of girls, but that's cool too because they're wicked awesome. I know I look like a ho, right? I mean it's only been three weeks since I've seen Tokyo. Ahhhhh it's been three weeks today! Whatthefuck! I'd put something else here about it, you know, continue to rant about that but...probably not appropriate.

But it's not even that I want to hook up with any of them or date them. The only hitting on me I want is when they're actually physically hitting me. Though honestly, some of them so do. That's okay; they're not sketchy and it's not like any of them are blatantly obvious about it, you know, bad pick up lines and all. I really enjoy just having guy friends to joke around with. I have plenty of female friends and I love them. I'm not one of those girls who hates girls on principle and only wants guy friends. But guys are so much more simple and they tend to put up with my chatter and craziness better. They think it's adorable or endearing or just something to make fun of openly instead of something to be gossiped, complained and bitched about while dissecting how I look while doing it and why I do it.

I had guy friends at school; I had really good guy friends at school. You know, like Max and Greg and Matt (so weird, they need to not have my brother's names) and the other Greg (sort of) and Burger (I can't just call him Eric it's weird) and Halfie and plenty of other guys I knew on a first name basis. Not Tokyo. He's a ho. Just kidding. In all fairness, he was my best guy friend from school, at least second semester. He's still a ho though. But there's a lot more guys at the Apple store, and while I haven't known most of them that long, I think that's the best thing about guys. You can be friendly with them really fast. They're not going to tell you their deepest darkest secrets, but most of them won't do that anyway. Not for a long ass time, if ever. But you can still be friends or friend-like.

I don't know. There's just stuff you do with girls, like mock customer's outfits. Jesus, someone please explain to me how some these people have so much money and so little fashion sense! I know I look ridiculous sometimes. It's not even what they wear that's casual; that looks fine. It's the dresses and makeup and stuff. Just. No. Please. Well, the gay guys are even better to talk to about that. But there's stuff you do with guys, like hear frat pledge stories and ask about your guy problems and have fake fights with.

By the way, I just realized this one guy at work is actually a bit like exboy. Sort of. Not very much; they just share two or three mannerisms. Okay, that's it. I know I have a problem being attracted to really confident or charismatic guys. I know most people are attracted to confident people, but it's this...annoying quality I can't possibly describe. It's not just confidence, because I can think of plenty of guys who aren't at all insecure I'm not attracted to. It's something about how they project it. But seriously. It's a problem. I think it's even worse than the tall thing. That totally explains Tokyo.

I really don't know what I was thinking from December to March. I think I wasn't thinking at all. German recitation was so my favorite thing to go to (except to sleep), even though I'd complain about how obnoxiously persistent he was. And I even admitted to like flirting with him.

Okay so I have a serious question for any guys reading this. So you, Tokyo, you tell me the answer. We all talk about the games girls play. I've always thought I'm not one of those girls. I don't enjoy playing with guys feelings, I don't believe in lying to people in general (my parents are an important exception), I'm not going to play hard to get on purpose. I won't throw myself at the guy either. I've always felt that I'm not a simpering whore who plays games with guys heads. On purpose, at least. Anything I've done by accident I don't count cause that's not playing a game, that's being inexperienced and the guy being retarded for not talking to me about it. But really, do I play those stereotypical games?

Well bad games. There are good games. But that's a totally different discussion.

Anyway. So the original discussion. I love having so many guy coworkers to talk to and joke around with. It's not that I want to be that girl at the center of all those guys attention in a flirting kind of way. I don't mind the just-another-guy thing, though that's not what it feels like. I like the little sister kind of thing, where you can joke around and hit them and use their shoulders as pillows but there's nothing remotely sexual about it. I physically am little compared to almost everyone I work with (shut up) and I also am (I think) the youngest one there. Or one of them. And it's awesome.

In any case, it's time for a break from guys. I'm sure I could get one if I wanted- yeah cause I'm wicked awesome and hotter than you, biatch- but I don't really want to. Flirting is about as far as I'm interested in going. I'll assuredly complain about not getting any but I don't want just anyone. Pffft.

By the way, on a totally random note, other awesome thing about my job- SO many adorable kids! Everything from baby babies to older kids, and every kind of cute (like every nationality- African American/Black, White, Asian, Indian). Only problem: I'm usually so busy greeting people or dealing with their parents I don't get to interact with the kids. It's weird, I have this unconscious instinct to help the kids. I'm so used to working with them that a crying baby or sad kid draws my attention faster than their irate parent.

Anyway. Enough of my random post. Wasn't that a nice change? Oh wait.



HAPPY GRADUATION, MOUNT SAINT DOMINIC CLASS OF 2008! HELLLLLZ YEAH! CONGRATS TO BRIT AND HANNAH AND LITTLE BENI AND EVERYONE ELSE AND GOOD LUCK!





Fuckkk I'm old.

(There is more of this post; it consists of me talking about my family situation. It's private. But this last part has no reason to be private, so I'll make it public. This is the second part of it. So 'this chaos' refers to my family. Clearly.)

Bah, no wonder with all of this I ended up glamorizing my exboy. Anyone seems more normal that this chaos. And with my dad I have to ignore some of the bad and concentrate on some of the good or I'd hate him and I can't hate him. So of course I thought that was totally normal. I suppose it is. I suppose the goal though is to find someone where you don't need to ignore the bad. I know such people exist.

At least I feel better able to deal with this all. I dealt with it before but now I do it and can smile and laugh faster. If you don't watch closely you can't even tell. Sometimes I need to talk about it (like right now) but usually...usually I'll defer to other topics. I really don't talk about exboy anymore except to comment on how he's gonna end up with no friends. If I want to talk about something upsetting there's always chem or the fact that Tokyo is 13 hours away. How gay is that, by the way? Or about gas prices. For fuck's sake. It's like I'm selling my first born child just to get to work!

It'll hit 4 dollars a gallon soon and I'll die inside. I know in other parts of the world (even this country) it's way worse but it's so painful. When I get my first check next week from work, I'll get to watch as part of my 600-800 dollar check will be stolen by the government, then to my bills to Verizon and all my friends who've paid for my survival (i.e food) for the past two weeks and then gas. In order to have any money left over I will work every shift they give me. And maybe eventually I'll stop fucking up repair orders and avoid getting caught (and then fired or at least yelled at) by corporate while playing on an iPod touch when I should be, you know, greeting people.

I can't help it. They're called iPod touches. You want to touch them.

Wow there's an awful joke there but I won't even try, because I don't think I can pull it off well. Haven't been sleeping well lately and I went to sleep wicked late yesterday. It's probably time to go to sleep, as I just went from serious to completely irreverent quite a bit faster than normal. And my poker skills and ability to put together coherent sentences is fast degrading.

And one of these days I will get to the second level of this fucking game. I keep ending up second. What the fuck. I need to remember to never, ever play strip poker. Ever. Even though stripping can be fun, losing is not, and there are better ways to end up with no clothes.



Hold on. How did I get from my father dying to stripping?

Oh well. Crying won't stop it and being respectful won't change it. I might as well laugh and enjoy myself a little.

Okay so Tokyo wanted a post all about him. I know, right, what a self-absorbed pain in the ass. That's actually not how it happened but being as normally all he has to say is please to get whatever he wants, he can deal with some insults. And he's used to it, aren't you dear?

I suppose it's about time anyway. I really only ever write about the major pains in my life. Oh, and obviously my father makes his occasional appearance in an post that belies my very superficial, shallow and ditzy exterior. And that's okay. I suppose. I might have to make a new über secret one now because Tokyo has found this page. Or, rather, I basically told him where to find it cause I'm such a sucker for him. I really need to learn how to say no.

Oh this is weird. I mean, I know people read this. I've had public journals since seventh fucking grade. Thing is, though people can read this, my livejournal stuff is all away from the eyes of most of the people I interact with regularly, though now Tokyo will probably stalk this page. I knew people could read it, but I always wrote it just to write it; I never wrote for an audience. I usually write how I talk but I'm sure it'll be even worse than usual in this post because I literally am just writing for someone else to read. Fuck, I've become a writing whore, selling my words out for a please.

And you better read it all because you never know when I'll throw in something interesting about you, like how bad I clearly have it for you as I'm writing this cause you asked me too. But that's okay. Cause he's reading every word because he has it way worse for me. Either that or he just loves reading about himself, which is definitely part of it, but really he's hopelessly in love with me, duh.

So now that I think about it I really wonder who I liked better, my (ex)boy or Tokyo. This is, as I have said, a very difficult question to answer. I really do feel as though I'm different enough that it's hard to judge, and more importantly, I was so different with them that it's hard to say as well.

Is it exboy? He was my first everything and my thing for him lasted almost two years. He's such a bad boy, he's tall (sorry my dear, you're just short), he was what I couldn't have which is always so tempting and in some ways he's a lot of what I want in a guy. And with all the other awful shit in my life at the time he represented something so much more than a few hours of fun times. He was the rest of the world I was told over and over again existed. I made him out to be so much more than he was in my head; I almost idealized him. I mean, when my dad was screaming horrible names at me and physically abusing people (or trying to) in addition to his verbal abuse and I had so much fucking work to get done and my best friend, again, couldn't be bothered to call me back even though I told her I really needed to talk to her, I'd think about him instead of everything else. Regardless of his completely asshole behavior, he is still more fun to talk about or think about then any of that stuff. I used school as an escape before, and exboy became another. And I know I've been through this but Tokyo's all new to this so just stop reading if this sounds all too familiar.

So I feel that my feelings for my exboy were far more intense. Him being my escape + the time + the fact he was the first + the fact that I had to work for it = probable outcome of me thinking I liked him more. Or loved him more I suppose. There's also the important point that my exboy was one of those people who made me feel better about whatever I was upset about and he never had to say a word about it. I still haven't found very many of those people. Almost without fail, no matter what was wrong, seeing him would make my otherwise awful day at least okay. It made him more important to me and was one of the things that I liked most about him. This is all so hard to write, though, since it's hard for me to remember exactly how I felt about my exboy. I do know, though, that I always said he made me happier than upset. Tokyo did the same, but he made me happy to a similar extent with very little upsetness.

I know I liked how I was with Tokyo- like our general relationship- way better. We're way more fun, way more playful, way more interesting in a good way. There was plenty of interesting with my exboy but I have so many more cute stories to tell my friends to make them go 'Awwwww!' in such a shorter period of time. My exboy and I would bash on each other, but not to the same extent as with Tokyo and I. Gay. If I can't call the guy I'm with a fucking whore or a loser then what's the point? I watched myself so much around my exboy. There is not one chance in hell I would ever let him see my livejournal. Ever. I suppose I felt more comfortable around Tokyo?

I guess I just feel like I can say and do what I want to around Tokyo and if he has a problem with it fuck that- and he never had a problem with it. I feel as though I watched what I said and did just a little around my exboy, though I never realized it at the time. It wasn't to an extent where I wasn't being myself, but I felt as though if I did something wrong or made a mistake I'd be eternally judged and not forgiven. Which in retrospect fucking sucks. It didn't happen all the time, but it happened enough. I know I'm a handful. I know I'm loud and I talk too much and I can be very hyper and occasionally a bit like a 5 year old. But so what? If you're sleeping with me you signed up for it. Fucking deal with it or stop expecting fucking.

Sorry I have a lot of rage towards him still. Anyway.

And though my exboy made me feel better about everything, I just wasn't as upset about shit at college. I was under so much less stress that I dealt with everything better. It is true, however, that Tokyo is perhaps the only person who has ever been able to actually calm me down over a grade, which is truly impressive in and of itself. And he also would actually talk about what I was upset about; my exboy usually just listened. While that was nice, I'm not sure if not talking was truly better.

So. Who do I like more? In all fairness, I haven't gotten as sad as I did when I left home and my exboy. I loved him for longer and I actually admitted I loved him. I accepted him and all his faults. In additional fairness it's been a long time since I was completely in love with my exboy and it perhaps will just be a time test and see what I think in a few months or when I end up with someone else.

But I am also a very different person than I was in September and I don't totally know if it's sunk in that Tokyo is, well, in Tokyo. So me not being as sad isn't an indicator of anything. And sometimes I think that just as I heightened how much I liked exboy in my head, I did the same thing with how much I missed him. Just getting over him would contradict how much I thought I liked him; thus, I thought more about how much I missed him. I just can't dwell on how much I miss Tokyo, it won't do anything but make me sad. There was a drastically higher chance of me ending up with exboy again, so missing him was I suppose my way of holding on. When you think about it though, before I found out about the cheating, I really couldn't say right off the bat who I ultimately liked more or who meant more or however you want to say it; but Exboy had the added benefit of being built up in my head and of me wanting to like him and Tokyo had the handicap (I think that's the right word) of my denial and belief that falling for him totally was a bad idea for multiple previously stated reasons. So I guess when you just take who they were- not who I wanted them to be, who they could have been or couldn't be, it makes it a lot easier to see.

He's definitely in a lot of ways the better guy for me. He talks more and has a much higher tolerance for my nonsense. Plus he, you know, acts like he cares about me all the time, not just sometimes. Except when he's grouchy. In which case he's just a bitch. Yes, he doesn't exactly understand the word 'no' in regards to anything. And my exboy does have the whole cheating issue to overcome. But Tokyo was all those things (personality wise, you're still not tall) I want in a guy- funny, amusing, playful, actually acts like he cares, works just as hard as i do for the relationship (alright fine, harder at many points), laid back, relaxed, not an emo kid, rich (kidding) and all that other fun stuff I'm not writing here. And sure, I could talk to my exboy about almost anything, but I did talk to Tokyo about everything and that's pretty fucking important as I talk so much. It was never awkward or weird (for me, though admittedly I have a high tolerance for that) and my exboy never answered my questions before I asked them like Tokyo has. Though I'm also just psychic. Tokyo and I were also much more alike (relative to exboy). My exboy and I were pretty much polar opposites.

So why didn't I like him earlier? I do think in a lot of ways I needed closure from my exboy to move on to another. I needed to stop wanting him to want anyone else. I liked other boys, but it wasn't a chemistry kind of crush, it was a we're friends and I'm tired of being alone kind of thing. Not really even a crush. I think that's a big reason I didn't realize how much I liked him because Tokyo was absolutely not a friendly kind of crush.

But I think the other was that I didn't trust him enough yet. He just showed up out of nowhere, this college senior who apparently really likes me and I was totally confused. It tooks months, almost a year for my exboy to start confiding in me and really showing his affection. The trust didn't just come and that made sense to me. And then Tokyo's in my life and I guess I didn't trust where it was coming from. I didn't know him well enough. Guys liking me for me like right away? What the fuck was that? I wasn't sure whether he actually liked me or just wanted to get some. And I didn't want to use him as a rebound. He was way too nice for that. He seemed to really like me; I felt like a horrible person.

So there I was earlier in the year, all confused. What else is new, right? This guy at home who I'm in love with is with another girl but tells me that I'm better than her. I mean, I slept over at his house twice in December. We didn't do anything; we didn't even kiss. Both times were because he was studying and then fell asleep and like hell was I going to have him drive me home. Plus I still had to finish the reviews he was doing. But hey, he held my hand and had his arm(s) around me, not his girlfriend. But he's dating her.....but he likes me...and now there's this other guy who lives too far away, the last thing I need is one more person in my life leaving me, and he likes me but I don't know what I feel for him, I still like the other guy, but maybe I should move on, but maybe if I move on then my exboy will become available and then what do I do?

Yeah, if you could understand that, I'm really proud of you. It was different once I had closure and I trusted him.

So who do I like more? Well, maybe a lot of this points to the guy I was more intensely involved with for longer who I wrote all these lovely (embarrassing) posts about. And if you had asked me a while ago who I liked more I would have said without hesitation that it was exboy. And I think that what I felt for them was different. Exboy was my wonderwall who I loved completely who involved some awesome highs but some pretty obnoxious lows as well. I thought so much about it that of course I felt that that feeling was more. Tokyo was simpler. I fell perhaps not as completely but I fell faster once the denial stopped and I actually let myself like him.

Yes, I had a strong sentimental attachment to exboy and yes, I had a hard time letting go at first. Yes, he was my first and yes, I really, really liked him and yes, I felt that I changed a lot for the better because of him. But I changed more because of Tokyo. To be fair, I'll leave out all the damning reasons that automatically make Tokyo better. Would I pick a day with a) exboy: Blows hot and cold like no one's business, watches Discovery Science with me (actually introduced me to it, major plus), thinks it's the coolest thing ever that I can tell him random bits of arcane knowledge, plays guitar for me but never makes a song for me (major loss of points there for possible romanticism) or b) Tokyo: Makes fun of me as much as I make fun of him, never ever makes me question that he at least cares, who makes me laugh and laughs at me and with me and at my jokes (plus to infinity, exboy just got the first two), who loves me (yes, you love me, shut up) for exactly who I was perhaps minus the violent tendencies? Who I spent literally hours at a time talking to online, who would make time for me even when he was busy (well sometimes), who was interested in my life, who I have inside jokes with (admittedly not that elaborate but still)?

Perhaps most importantly, who I'm writing this for? I'd never write this for my exboy. I won't lie and say I'm not nervous about censure. I hate when people read what I write. No one wants to write about how much they like someone in case all they hear is silence; no one wants to seem as though they care more for fear of it being awkward or embarrassing or being seen as weird. To be fair I'm not writing about how much I miss him and how much I like him, but it's completely evident in what I write and if you don't see it, you loser, you're friggin' blind. But that is stereotypically Asian so....

But really, I'm really quite reckless with my feelings. No pain no gain right? So though self-preservation tells me not to say it, it also said not to like him and not to fall for him even a little so fuck that shit. If I had listened to it the first time I would have missed out on something awesome.

When it comes down to it, my exboy showed me a lot of things about guys and truthfully not all of it was bad. For instance I feel like I'm far more laid back and patient (about my relationships) then I would be otherwise. Surely some asshole will interpret this truth and lack of intense jealousy as me not liking him but the truth is, I don't want someone getting angry at me for something they could just talk to me about; why shouldn't I do the same? Exboy does get some credit for laying some groundwork. He showed me how things were. He's my torrid saga (yeah go look it up) that tricks you into thinking that there was a greater depth of feeling simply because it's the first and it's surrounded by such drama, at least in my mind.

But Tokyo showed me how it could be and how it should be. Any future guy will get compared to them both, but Tokyo will be the one who they have to measure up to. Tokyo, not Exboy, is the one they have to beat if they want to be the best (and not just in bed). Exboy knew me longer but Tokyo probably knew me better, though he did miss out on all the awesome times I'd just show up places because if I spent one more minute at home I would have shot someone. I loved my exboy and what he represented; I adore my Tokyo just for himself. Minus his annoying habits like trying to get me to do dishes. He's my all of a sudden, easy relationship that appears shallow but upon closer inspection yields far more then I ever expected it to. He was simple and unadulterated and uncomplicated and tricks you into thinking it's therefore less- but he's the kind of relationship I want in the future, so go figure which actually meant more.

It's ironic, really. All along I had my hopes on my exboy to prove to me that not all people leave, that people are ultimately good and that everything would be okay. Exboy made me realize who I wanted to be but I became that person more because of Tokyo. And even though that loser motherfucking whore bastard left me, in a way he didn't. And maybe I'm building up in my head how much he likes me/adores me- wouldn't that be great, after spending HOURS on this I find out it's all based on a faulty premise- but then I'd have to kill him and I don't feel like spending money on the airfare. In fact, I don't have the money for the airfare. So he pretty much has to like me a lot.

So which one wins? I like the brown eyed, spikey haired, smoking, smart guy who never applies himself except to getting some ass who drove me absolutely nuts. Wait that's both of them.

I like the one who'd hold both my hands, who drive me nuts but only made me truly angry once (remember that?), who'd call me a slut and used more endearments the drunker he got, who'd text me to ask how my day was or when my away message was sad, who is apparently as awkward resistant as me, who my roommates actually approved of, who likes musicals (I know, how gay is he?), who certainly isn't perfect but I suppose is okay, who's out of college and still can't drive, who I can (clearly) make fun of, who pretends he can't speak English when he doesn't like what I'm saying, who says MUAHAHAH (yeah what a loser), who proved me wrong and I'm glad for it and who I never ever expected to write this about.


Okay that was so much niceness to him that I need to go think up some appropriate insults to balance it out.

Bah.

Figures, man. I was having a good day. I just started my job at an Apple retail store and I'm unbelievably tired but it's actually pretty fun. The other people who work there are really cool. It's not a bad gig, as it pays really well per hour and it's not like I'm being tortured or anything. I need to make a lot of money this summer. If I want to go to Germany I have to take orgo next summer. Now that I'm thinking about it it's way more cost efficient to have just taken gen chem this summer but whatever. Nothing I can do about it now. But I need easily 8000 for next summer, and then spending money for Germany, and then my trip to Hong Kong and wherever else in Europe and Asia I decide to go is going to cost some serious cash. Airfare alone could run me as much as I can make this summer. So I'll work whatever they give me. I'll cover July 4th for the whole day for someone. I'll swear off clothes, Starbucks and trips home next year. Maybe I'll even give up some of my texts on my phone.

Well I guess it's not like my day was ruined. I'm not upset. My best friend is just having problems and I don't know what to say. And I'm just frustrated. She feels like I've let her down somehow. I know I'm not the same friend I was a year ago. I'm not as dependent, I'm not as there as I was, I'm not as willing to drop absolutely everything. The lives we lead are at some times completely separate. But our friendship can't go back to the way it was before she left me again. I'm not totally sure what she expects. But it hurts that after all I've put into it and all the things I've put up with that she feels like she can't trust me.

And Tokyo has not responded to my facebook message which is just annoying. But then, it's weird, him not answering. I assume he just didn't get it, didn't look at it, didn't realize he got it, something. It's not like him not to answer me. And then I wonder if I'm just making excuses again, like I did for my (ex)boy. I feel it's fair to place the blame in external situations, but with him I did it to the point where he never got any blame and sometimes he deserved it.

I suppose it's only natural for me to question at least some of the things I do involving guys. I mean, I was cheated on and lied to on multiple occasions. My trust has been taken advantage of many times in the past year. I hate it but in the end this is a pretty minor backlash considering what I could have done.


And yet it still bothers me, just a little bit. I don't think I've totally realized he's left and here in Jersey there's so little to remind me of him, except the constant stream of Asians into the damn Apple store. A lot of them are tourists though. But...I don't want him to just stop talking to me. I honestly don't feel like dealing with one more guy who faked it just so he could get some. And I really don't know if I can deal with one more person failing me, at least, right now I don't know if I can. Well that's not true. I know I can. I know I don't want to, though.

Don't fail me Tokyo. I will so go there and beat your ass.


Damnit it's gonna be a long time before we're less than 8000 miles away from each other. Reminder to self: after your LONG hiatus from guys, you will pick one who at least lives in the same time zone, preferably one who is in lower New England or the Middle Atlantic states. Got it? Good.

Okay so it's 4 days later and I'm still shocked.

I've heard it multiple times, I've talked to the girl he was cheating on me with (who he was cheating on with me too I suppose), I've talked to so many people about it. I just randomly say 'I can't believe it'. Because I can't. I thought many things about my (ex) boy; I knew him capable of certain unsavory things. I felt I knew his flaws and and I thought I knew him. I never expected him to do that, no, not ever. He not only was sleeping with me and her, he started sleeping with her after me, after I told him I wanted something exclusive. He additionally wanted to have a serious relationship with her, which is the newest information that only makes him worse.

Yeah, when he told me that she wanted to be with him and he thought of her as just a friend and all that, all lies. He wanted to be in a serious relationship with her, and she didn't want that so he got all bitchy and they fought or whatever. But seriously? Are you serious?

So we're gonna have a little chat. I don't want to yell, I don't want him to deny it, I don't want him to bullshit me. I just want the truth. I want to hear what he has to say cause it blows my mind that he did that. Seriously, guys are only supposed to blow your mind other ways, not from this.

Hm, it's 3, I probably should like shower. At least.

Yeah now I don't know where I was going to go with this entry. I'm playing Civilization to cope with my anger. And I miss Tokyo. It's not the same way I missed my (ex)boy. It's less intense but I think it's cause Tokyo was simpler (well, our relationship was) and cause I focused on my (ex)boy constantly to distract me. I think he did get built up in my head. Tokyo didn't. I just miss him, not who I thought he was or who I wanted him to be. It's also that I know I can't ever have Tokyo again. I mean sure it's possible that something could happen but only in the sense that anything is possible; we're both alive and and not locked up or anything like that. But let's be serious.

Sucks, man. And I know I'll be able to find someone else, I just don't want to go through the whole get used to the person again. Learn what they like, what they don't, get used to another relationship. So I guess it's a break for me which is totally cool.

Okay I've been away from my war with the Mongols for a little bit too long. And I'm gonna go beat some Japanese ass as well. I suppose it's mean to pick on the little guys, but that's okay.

OH MAN that was a really bad pun I didn't mean to make. Ohhhhhh Civilization.

Wow.

That's about all I can say. Wow. I can't really believe this is all true, but it must be. There is no other explanation. My friends are all like 'you weren't together, it didn't count'. Fuck. That. We damn well were. You don't need a title to be exclusive. I said you can't be with other girls. I said it at least twice. I didn't ask for much. Just exclusivity. Is that really that difficult?

It wasn't even during the winter when we were hooking up once a month. No, it was during May. It was during June and July and apparently part of August. It wasn't when I liked him, it was when I loved him. It was when we were sleeping together. Are you for fucking serious? What was that bullshit that we would be dating if I wasn't going to college? I don't care if our status' said single. I said no other girls and he said okay. Or he didn't say anything and that indicated compliance. I held up my side of the bargain. You got some. Did I really ask for that much?

No. I fucking did not. I fucking trusted him! I stuck up for him through everything, I thought the world of him. And he let me down worse than anyone. I mean, my best friend comes pretty damn close but at least she was sort of upfront about it. At least I know I just can't trust her with certain things.

Him? Oh no, now it's every damn word that ever came out of his mouth. Was it true? Was he just saying that? My faith in yet another person has been utterly shattered. And let me tell you, he will know I know and he will be sorry because I was the best he ever would have fucking had (no offense to prior girls he was with, you seem pretty cool and this is just general ranting.) We both were, he and the girl he cheated on me with. We were awesome. And when we weren't, it was probably just as much his fault as ours.

And he does this. How difficult is it to understand you only fucking sleep with one fucking person at a fucking time?

This makes me sick, and not out of pain or hurt but pure disgust. I can't believe he would do it. I'm still shocked, I still need to see his face when I tell him and when I do I think that's when I'll really believe it. But there's no reason the person I heard about it from would have lied. No reason for the girl he was also with to lie. To hurt me? Didn't know it would get back to me. To hurt him? How would telling someone have hurt him?

And then he texted her back when she asked if it was just him and her last summer and told her it was just her and that's it. He admitted he was with her and darling, I didn't hit my head and forget 16 months of my life.



You know, there's a great part about this, and that's not sarcasm. It's that I'm hurt and upset and pissed off as all hell but I'm not doubting myself. This wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong but trust the wrong person and you know what? That's not my fault. People can say that I should have seen it coming, that I should have been more careful, but when it comes down to it it was his choice. He was pretty careful about it in general and I'm a trusting person. It's his fault and how dare anyone try and mitigate what he did to two girls who cared for him deeply, who loved him.

It's not me who's at fault and it's not that I wasn't enough- it was that he was a greedy selfish motherfucker. I'm awesome. All the guys who liked me this year, all my friends, and most importantly, Tokyo- they're not wrong. My fucked up boy was and is. He missed out on what could have been the best thing he'd ever have cause he wasn't happy with getting some from one girl. I knew I was grateful to Tokyo, but I never ever thought it would be to this extent. If I found this out before we were together (or whatever) I would have been much more heartbroken. But that cheater wasn't the last guy to touch me or love me or kiss me and thank god. And I know it's not my fault cause hell, other people appreciate me- why didn't he?

So yeah, you were right, my boy- I did go to college and find someone better. Much better.

And while I'm not going to attempt to get revenge in any mean way (slashing tires, talking to your psycho girlfriend, breaking windows, spreading rumors) let me tell you, I will have my revenge. Because you're gonna know how much you hurt me, you're gonna know that I thought of you as one of my best friends and I trusted you with everything and I thought the world of you- and you fucked it up, all by yourself. I might be the klutz but at least I didn't do that.

You're gonna look back one day and regret it. And that is the best revenge.



That and the fact that you totally got owned in bed by an Asian I wasn't even as in love with as I was in love with you, and you know what they say about sex with someone you love. And what they say about Asians.

I'm breaking up with my breakdowns, but it's not easy. I want to be rid of them and I'm getting so much better, but hey, here I am writing instead of studying chem. I'll do that soon. This isn't going to be anything long and I get so much more work done when I'm not talking to my...oh, he needs a better name than German Recitation Guy. But I can't call him my boy, cause someone else has that title, and thus he keeps it even though he isn't anymore. Maybe I should call him my First Boy, and this one...my....Haha Junge is the word for boy in German, but no. Freund? Eh I'll just call him Tokyo, for all that he hasn't lived there for the majority of the year since before high school.

Damn damn damn. On one hand, he's changed me a lot for the better and helped me a lot. I kept telling him no and I should have- at the time, I couldn't like anyone else, which is why I didn't like him yet. I didn't trust him yet, not enough. And he kept trying again and again and now, for the first time ever, I have this ridiculous confidence level. I suppose it's pathetic that a guy managed to boost it that much, but it's not like it wasn't going up anyway. And I'd be lying to say that people not giving up on me- for once, for once, it was someone not giving up on me, not the other way around- didn't help.

It seems to be a theme, how much people have changed me or helped me. Is it just that I feel the need to find a better reason other than 'I really liked having this person in my life' or is it that I'm just in a string of people affecting me particularly much or is it just that I notice whereas most people don't? I don't know. I haven't written about him as much cause I honestly don't analyze it as much. Part of it is just because there's so much less to analyze. He likes me, I like him, he wants me, I want him, there's no real difference in what we want or in how we see our relationship. What's difficult about that? It's also just painful to analyze it. If I think about it too much I'll fall more for him.

Strange though, reading back on my entries about him. I said I felt no sparks beyond the initial curiosity. How did I feel that way? I think I denied it and I think I was too wrapped up in another guy to be thinking about chemistry with another. I need to remember not to let that affect me again. Shouldn't lie to myself like that.

It's odd cause I never expected to get over my first boy so fast. Am I really over him? I don't know. Won't know till (and if) I see him. Will I get over Tokyo the same way cause he'll be way out of sight and out of mind? Will it be easier because I'll get closure right away? It'll be nicer, surely, cause there won't be anything to mar us parting. No skank replacing me right away. No skank destroying our friendship. I need to remember to threaten him about that. I don't know when it happened or even what I feel for Tokyo. No reason to think about it though. He's uncomplicated and thus completely awesome. All I know is that I talk to him for hours, I just want to hang out with him, and that I'm gonna miss him.


I'm going to miss that motherfucking obnoxious annoying lucky ass bastard so fucking much.




Okay, chem now. I'll have enough time to write about how much I like him and miss him later.

I'm getting so lazy. I've been so caught up in Tokyo. I don't know what I feel for him; I want to be around him and I want to talk to him but it's same depth of intensity of feeling I had with my (ex)boy. It's different. I don't know which is more, less, greater, deeper, better. It's as if I'm such an altered person I couldn't choose between them if I tried. Plus, I don't know what I feel for my (ex)boy anymore. I need to see him to know if I still want him, if I still want to be with him. And it's the weirdest thing, not being totally sure of that.


But no! This entry is not about my past boy, my current and soon to be gone boy, nope. It's not about me freaking out and awaiting the morning with a mix of dread and relief. It's about the other boy in my life- the one who I suppose has defined my life more than any of them.


Today as I was walking to babysit, I saw a bunch of teams playing baseball. Their fields are nicer than Edgemont ever was; they don't play the same way; they were all boys, the players. And still, for a moment I thought about when I played baseball- the practices, the games, playing catch, and my dad. Of course my dad. Baseball is one of the things that's unequivocally his is my mind. Skating was taken over by Kristen and soccer by the Mount. Baseball exists in my mind only in connection with him. I remember him taking me to practice, playing catch with me in the backyard, coming to the games, and yet I don't.

As I watched the games I was trying to recall my dad. I tried to bring to mind anything- his voice, how he looked, how he smelled, how I felt- but I could find nothing. I get snatches of moments, incidents, but that's it. I can't remember his voice without the crack it has now. I can't remember for the life of me what he looked like. I can't remember what my own dad looked like! It's only been 9 years. That's just about half my life but still. I can remember my teacher's appearances from then. I can't remember him staying still. I can't remember him without the scar on his neck. I can't remember him being logical. I can't remember him being my father.

I always call him my father. I suppose it distances me. I call him dad to his face but I very rarely call him my dad when talking to people, and if I do it's only when he's not doing anything to piss me off. I used to call him daddy. Didn't I? Everyone tells me how he doted on me; he still does, in his own way. Did I reciprocate? Was I a good daughter?

And then on Grey's they had this guy with a tumor with personality changes and oh god, he sounded like my father. See? My father. Not my dad. Wow, this entry is supposed to actually be deep and meaningful and it's completely nonsensical. Let's try this again.


I couldn't remember him. I honest to god cannot remember him. Anything I might have remembered has been ruined by what I know now and by what I've heard. I can't even appreciate the enormous weight of this. My dad is dying. Most of him is gone. And I can't remember him. My father must have been so proud to be a father. Tara told me how he was over the moon- it's been 19 years and she can still remember the day I was born. Mattie was far too young to remember anything and Greg probably was too. I'm the only one who would be able to remember anything of something that meant so much to my dad. I know I'll wonder if I'm a good mother. What if he wonders? I can't remember. How can I not remember?

How can I not feel anything?

This is all so awful. We didn't deserve this. We deserved better. My mother deserved to stay her sweet self. Gregory deserved a dad who would believe in him and not tear him down. Matthew deserved a dad who would be there for him when he was struggling with his anger and show him that you can deal with it. I deserved to be able to remember my dad. I deserved to be able to be my daddy's little girl till the day I was replaced by my daughter. My dad deserved to be able to be remembered for who he was, not what he had. He deserves to not be hated because he deserves to be able to control himself. We deserve to have parents.

And I know it's the way it works and I'm not complaining. It's just the facts. We all deserved better.

I'm going to go to sleep

I feel like doing a survey. Hot.


Part 1: The Birth of You

Were you a planned baby?: I wasn't planned precisely, but my parents were trying
Were you the first?: Yeah
Who was present at your birth?: My parents and the doctor and nurses and what not
Were your parents married when you were born?: Yeah, for like 15 years before I came around
What is your birthdate?: January 23, 1989

Part 2: The Family

How would you describe your family?: A whirlwind of craziness. A handful.
Are your parents married? Yeah
Siblings or an only child?: Two younger brothers
If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: Oldest. You asked this already
What are your siblings names and ages?: Gregory who's 16 and Mattie who is 15
Which parent do you get along with best?: My mom
What do you fight about?: What don't I fight about with my parents?
Do you have step parents?: Nah

Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend?: Well my best friend is JamieJame, though she's more like my sister. But there's more than one person I consider to be my best friend, like Katie and Jessie.
Who are your best friends?: You know, I refuse to change my above answer so you'll just have to look up
What do you like to do when you are together?: Drive around, get food, watch movies, play video games and of course talk the entire fucking time
Do you share the same interests?: Yeah duh
Which friend can you tell anything to?: Pretty much any of them

Part 4: Your Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?: Depends what we're talking about, but I think I've gotten to an okay middle place between lack of and healthy
Are you an extrovert or an introvert?: An extrovert
Are you happy?: Yes
Do you live life to the fullest?: That's my goal in life

Part 5: Appearance

Are you comforable with the way you look?: Eh, somedays I think I look pretty and some days I don't. Either way, it's not gonna change much so I might as well be okay with it
Do you have any piercings besides your ears?: No, just my ears
Describe your hair.: Brown with hints of red and gold, pretty long in the back, face frame in front
What make-up do you wear?: Usually nothing. When I feel like wearing it though, eyeliner, eyeshadow and mascara. And lip gloss
How do you dress?: Depends on my mood. Sometime sweats and a t-shirt, sometimes sweats and a nice shirt, sometimes actually nice

Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child?: Yeah I think I was
What did you use to love that you no longer do?: No longer do at all? Well I used to play with dolls. I used to make up huge imaginary games, I used to play outside much more, I used to play baseball
Do you have the same friends?: Not really. I mean the friends I had I still talk to occasionally but I have a drastically different friend group
Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?: Yeah, but I'll be okay

Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition?: To be a successful and happy doctor/researcher working with the people or disease I want to be working with, more importantly one with a family that makes her happy and isn't a broken home
Are you scared of growing old?: Yeah
Do you want to get married?: Yes, just not right now

Part 8: The Outdoors

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: Depends on what I'm doing and how nice it is
What is your favorite season: I love them all for different reasons. I'm totally ready for this seasons though- the warm weeks of spring when it's not too hot and the trees have flowers and it's beautiful
Do you like walking in the rain?: Yeah

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegetarian?: Are you serious? I would die.
What is your favorite fruit?: Hrmm I don't know
What food makes you want to gag?: Most green things
What is your favorite dessert?: Chocolate chip cookies
What is your favorite restaurant?: Don't have one- just somewhere cheap and excellent
Are you a fussy eater?: Not really, not anymore

Part 10: Relationships and Love

Are you single or taken?: I'm single but not exactly available. What a familiar feeling
If taken who is the lucky guy/girl?: He is such a lucky bastard and such an unlucky one
Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: Absolutely. Is that even a real question? What the hell is better?
Do you believe in love at first sight?: I believe that there can be an instinctive pull towards a person immediately. I don't necessarily think love at first sight means true love though

Part 11: Experiences

What was one of your greatest experiences?: There are far too many. Life.
What was one of your worst?: My home life in general, but even that had it's bright spots and better times
Have you ever done drugs?: Yeah, I've smoked two or three times
Have you ever thought you were going to die?: Yes and it has changed my life in more ways than I can count
Have you ever suffered from depression: Sure, I think I got the typical teenage angst depression



You know, as I was writing about the Spring, I realize where I'd love to be able to be. There's this street in Carlstadt/Rutherford or whatever town that is there and this one section has lights on the trees in the winter and it's pretty but in the spring, the trees are all flowering ones. It's like driving through winter in spring because the trees are so numerous. It's gorgeous, driving through there on a warm spring evening that smells like summer and they almost create a tunnel. Kind of like cherry blossoms but white, not pink.


I wish time would just stand still. I want this week to go by so fast so I can get through all the work. I want my paper done, my German learned, my Chemistry midterm taken, my problem set complete, my German presentation memorized and performed. And then I want time to freeze on April 29th when it's the very beginning of reading period and the work load disappears and I still have almost two weeks here before I have to say good bye.


You know, I'm not totally sure what I'm doing. I didn't like the guy from German Recitation in December. I didn't like him in February. I thought he was cool and I wanted to be his friend, but I didn't want to hook up with him. And now here we are. We're not dating but we're not that far off. I've probably made some bad choices that are atypical of me, but I'll deal with the consequences if there are any. What else is there to do? He's the stable kind of relationship that I really could use right now, but he's leaving. In a month we'll be literally across the world from one another. New Jersey and Tokyo are 13 hours and over 8000 miles away. There are places he could be that are farther but not by that much. And damnit, I'm gonna have to get over yet another person. That's two people too many for 6 months.

Whatever. I'll get over it and it made me smile and it made me happy. I'll get by at home. The pain is worth it to be happy.

I suppose it's appropriate that as my boy and I got closer in April that we fell apart more in April a year later.

I swear, I hope this is one of the last entries mainly about him. I keep thinking that the one I write is the last one, but then there's always another. Actually, I suppose I just hope this is one of the last for a while. I'm sitting here trying to muster the energy to change into some decent clothes and then walk uphill to do my Chem problem set or at least read outside. It's gorgeous. It was pouring this morning, but the sun is out now, and it's warm but not hot and it's just beautiful.

After last night and the picture of my boy and his girlfriend- I feel so different. It really does feel as if all my feelings have been collected, catalogued and filed away neatly. I don't feel anything. I feel like I barely know him. I know that if he contacted me in any way or I saw him again it would all come back, but it's locked away until then. I don't even know if that will happen. And it's sad. It is so sad. We did mean a lot to each other. We were really good friends. He changed me in ways I can't even begin to describe. He did save me. He's got a part in the reason I'm so much happier now. Most of it's just that I'm not worried I have an awful disease anymore, but him always telling me to relax and just go with it and not to complain did affect me. I aspire to that. Well, I try to not complain as much. And relaxing might be a lost cause for me. But I do try. And we were torn apart by jealousy and hate and paranoia and immaturity. By distrust and lack of faith. By my decisions and our flaws. And it is sad. It is heartbreaking, or should be. Our story was such a good one.

But he is gone. And I am okay. I might not be okay when I go home but I am okay. And I will be. Maybe it's better this way. I was wholeheartedly unequivocally under my boys spell. He meant the world to me. And that's great and I hope one day I meet someone else or re-encounter him and get that again because I really do think it was special. But right now I am 19 years old and I am still very deep in the relief aftershocks of finding out I don't have Huntington's. I am realizing that I am changing, but maybe not in the same way I did in high school. It feels almost most like polishing- tone down some of the less attractive qualities ( to me), highlight and expand the ones I do like.

It is such a rush to live the way I've always wanted to. And I'm not perfect and I still have a long way to go, but maybe it's better I'm not so deeply attached. OMG this is the perfect place for a chem analogy. Okay so atoms generally rotate around their bonds, but only their single ones. Double bonds effectively freeze the atoms in one position because they require bonding above and below the normal plane of bonding (or something). Double bonds are great. They have a huge amount of energy and power. But in one, you don't have the freedom to spin around.

So maybe I need this space to grow and change and become the way I want to be. It's sad he can't at least be part of this process because he showed me so many things I wanted to be. But I can't deny that without him in the picture I feel as though I can focus on what I need to get done. I can get a full time job, who cares? I can go abroad maybe. Probably not I can't leave my family for that long but I who knows. I can do crazy things and see what things are like with other guys and it's not that I couldn't do this with him in my life, it's that without him, I feel as though the only one I need to worry about it myself. Well, and my family, but that's a given. It's weird. I never ever felt he was holding me back, and he never ever would have told me what to do or not to do. I guess though in my head I cared how it would affect him. Which may sound stupid but hey- shouldn't relationships be like that? Really, shouldn't they at least think how it would affect the other?

So now I can cut my hair, learn German, go to Europe, try all the crazy things that to me mean living life to the fullest and at the end of the day it's not affecting anyone but me. In a way, there is an immense amount of loneliness intrinsic to that. In another way, there is an intoxicating feeling of freedom I've never felt before. Never to this extent.

I interrupt this nauseating post for an address to someone who will never read this: My boy, you will always mean so much to me. Thank you for so much. For everything. But for now, I'm gonna give my heart some rest and let go and jump in and hopefully we get thrown back together one day


But really- please stay away from the paranoid bitches. Please.


And now, away from this nonsense and to the Academic Quad for some quality Chem time before I pass out.

So I've got some piña colada, (more importantly) whiskey and coke and am looking forwards to some screwdrivers and peppermint schnapps. So I stole this from Germaine. To entertain me while I nurse my drink.

1. I've come to realize that my boobs ....
Are not as small as I once thought they were and when I go home are actually mad hot even though they are back to normal size.

2. I've come to realize that when I talk...
I talk too fast too much, sometimes about utterly inane things. I also talk about boys too much.

3. I've come to realize that when I love someone...
That I love them completely and helplessly, and that I for some reason idealize loving someone perfectly- accepting their flaws and focusing only on their good parts, even at times not calling them out on stuff

4. I've come to realize that I need...
Is just to roll with it and live life crazy. And not get stuck in stupid shit

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
A lot. Maybe not as much as I think, cause sometimes it comes back, but in other ways I've lost more than I've let on to

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
People treat me as if I'm immature and when they minimize my problems unless I did it first. Which probably makes me immature but whatever

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
That it's taken me a while to get there but it's pretty fun

8. I've come to realize that money...
Is essential for some things I want but not at all essential to me. I just want to have enough to not have to worry every month

9. I've come to realize that people...
Are much more different and far more similar than I ever thought

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...
Odd, too talkative, obnoxious, sort of annoying and easily frustrated and angered- but odd is cool, talkative is fine for most people, my obnoxious and annoying side only get on the nerves of haters, and we can't all be calm and laid back all the time

11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on...
Fuck, German Recitation Boy who's fucking LEAVING. And I don't know who else

12. I've come to realize that I have given up...
EDIT: Wow, my reading skills do deteriorate with rising BAC. I think, just now, I've given up on the idea that certain things are supposed to work a certain way. Very few things have ever worked out the way the script goes, so...I've given up on reading it.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is...
Pretty much an appendage. Without it I feel empty

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
It was too early because 8:30s are obscene and I really need to stop staying out so late at guy's places

15. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night...
I shouldn't think about such depressing things

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
How to get drunker faster. Fuck.

17. I've come to realize that what I need daily is...
A lot of jokes and randomness, some more motivation and something that makes me happy

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
I really am a little obsessed

19. I've come to realize that today is...
A pretty decent day

20. I've come to realize that tonight I will...
Not get drunk like I want to unless I really try

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...
Actually have to work

22. I've come to realize that I really want to....
Just have a family. I concentrated on my career so much for so long and I really do want to be a doctor or a researcher- but at this point, I would pick my family over my career

23. I've come to realize that what I want in life...
Is exactly what I've wanted all along- to be happy. To come home at the end of the day to people I love and who love me, to not regret what has happened, to always be excited about something and to not lose the childish wonder that I think is important even though it makes people say I'm five. And a really awesome husband. Yeah.

An awesome job would be hot too

Baaah. You know, you'd think I'd learn from the past and I'd be doing work right now, like German or reading psych or chem or something productive. But no. I'm not feeling that great (tonsillitis sucks) so I'll post here instead. Fuck work. And fuck tonsillitis. One more time this year and they're gonna have to think about taking them out, and I'd really prefer to not have surgery. Alas. Bacteria don't really listen to me.

I can't believe freshman year is basically over. A month from now I'm done with exams, and in a month and two days I leave. Like what the hell? I swear, it hasn't been a whole school year yet. I can't be 1/4 done with college. But apparently I am. More, actually, if I graduate early as I intend to.

Or I should be reading the stuff for my Chinese history class. Ugggh I'll do that later. I also need to do stuff like fill out late stay, finish my financial aid stuff, put money on my ID card...damn, there was something else administrative....fuck.....oh yeah, get a form to declare my bio major and German minor. Or at least my major. I'm still debating on whether or not the minor is feasible and if I should wait to see if I like German that much in German 21.

And can someone explain to me fruit at the bottom yogurt? I can't figure out why but I just don't like it at all. Have to eat it, but for serious, they need to get more French Vanilla downstairs.

Wow I really am completely out of it cause I'm sick. So it's been a little over 2 weeks since my boy decided we could no longer talk. It feels like forever. He even blocked me. I have to say, it's a little middle school, but whatever. I'm actually shocked at how I feel. I am awfully upset and everything of course- but I feel like it was some kind of closure and since I'm so far away, it's so easy to push out of my mind. Okay so it totally helps that there's this other guy at school but regardless. It's as if all my emotions about it have been sealed off and packed away. Which is sweet, actually, as I'd really like to be happy.

I'm sort of worried about the summer though. Here it's so easy to forget anything at home. Away from the relentless stress, I have fewer problems and less trouble coping with the problems I do have. And even though there's plenty to remind me of him, there's plenty that I don't associate with him. When I go home though, he'll be everywhere- all my haunts are fairly saturated with him. I'll have my father to deal with and my mother to support all the time again. And I won't have the guy who I have here who, while I'm not in love with him, is a pretty awesome distraction.

I don't exactly know how to describe any of it. I suppose you could characterize him as a rebound or just something fun- I mean, I missed out on the ridiculously enjoyable flirting in high school- or as just another guy I can't have. Of course, I pick an International senior, so we won't be separated by 200 miles but by closer to a full half of the fucking world and an ocean. And at least one continent, depending on which way you look at it. On the other hand, I'm not in love with him as I knew all along that falling for him was just suicide for my emotional well being. Still, I'll miss him. Not like I'll ever see him again except the one time I'll end up in Europe and the random times he ends up in the States.

It's weird. I want to say he doesn't compare to my boy, but I can barely remember! I think I'm repressing the memories and rationalizing my doing so. Oh I so pay attention in psych. Realistically though, he's a good guy and I like talking to him and hanging out with him and I really do enjoy flirting shamelessly with him, but I know perfectly well that nothing with come of it so I'm not in love with him.


Okay I need to stop thinking and talking about it before I start thinking about my boy. All it takes is one realistic remembrance of him- his voice, his laugh, his smile- and my repression stops fucking working. And I need to go read some primary sources.

So this was a totally pointless and random but that's all good

March has not been fond of me.

So my boy and I are no longer talking. I have been, apparently, causing problems between his girlfriend and him. Or the fact that we're friends has been causing problems, I guess. And so we can no longer talk.

I suppose I understand. If the positions were reversed I would dislike her incredibly. I would feel threatened by her. Then again, I doubt he told her that he was only with her because I went away to school- but maybe it was easy to put together, as they started dating after I went away to school. Then again, maybe we only broke up because of her. On one level I understand. You're not supposed to put your friends below your significant other but it happens sometimes, and you're not supposed to pick your ex above your significant other. And if your significant other says stop talking to your ex, I suppose you almost have to do it or risk appearing not committed.

On another I am hopelessly upset, sad, frustrated and heartbroken. He said that he wouldn't stop hanging out with me because of her. Maybe because he thought it would be easier; maybe because he just doesn't care anymore. He said we would still be friends, after he said we couldn't hang out as much; maybe he felt it would be a fair enough compromise or maybe I'm just not valued enough as a friend to merit friend treatment rather than ex. Maybe it's foolish of me to expect anything else. He said, he said, he said.

More than anything else I am just confused. I trust everything he says, and now this is a contradiction. He wasn't necessarily lying, but it's just like people saying they won't leave- and then they do a few months later. I don't know how to respond. I don't know what to think. In the back of my mind I know I hoped that when I came home for good that we would be together. I half-believed he would wait for me, based on what he said and how he acted. This doesn't mean he won't and it doesn't mean he's over me. It could be a last-ditch effort to save their relationship because I am a continuing source of jealousy, distrust and paranoia. It could be that he's not over me and that's why he's acquiescing to her request.

Or it could be that he totally is and sees no reason to keep me in his life if I am causing problems like this. I just don't know. I shouldn't think about it. I haven't much, but every once in a while, I just can't stop.

I'm angry at myself for believing. I'm furious that, once again, I have been retarded. I have no one to blame for the state of my broken heart but me. I'm angry at him, for not sticking by his word. I'm angry at myself for thinking that- he's not bound to his words about that. And maybe he was just saying them to protect my feelings. Or maybe not. I always genuinely believed that he said what he thought and while maybe he'd soften a few things, in general, he meant every word. Maybe I was naïve. Maybe I am. I'm most of all angry at her. In a reverse position I probably would have been threatened by it. But I never would have told my boyfriend to stop talking to them. At least I don't think I would have. I guess I can't say.

But I didn't tell him any of that. I'm only now getting even sort of angry. At the time, I said everything I've though about telling him if it was the last time I could talk to him. I told him I sort of understood and that I wouldn't talk to him, but that I was doing it cause I couldn't do something to cause a problem in his life, not because it was easy or I wanted to. That I would miss him as a friend- that I would miss just talking to him and chilling with him. That if he ever needed anything, I'd be here. That he meant and means a lot to me. That I wished him good luck with everything. That while I didn't wish him ultimate happiness with her, I did want him to be at least happy. And I really mean it. I meant every word I ever said. At least, every word I ever said seriously.

And we're not sure about my mom's job. She works at Bear Stearns, but they haven't announced what they're doing with the employees yet. What if she loses her job? Our savings is barely what she used to make in a year. Even if I get a full ride to Tufts, who's going to support the family? Dad can't work. No one will hire him. If my mom can't get a job, then the responsibility falls to me. And it's an unlikely but possible prospect. Mom is very stressed out. It may be difficult for her to get another job. And there will be a lot of other people in her position looking for a job too. Either way, it's probably not going to be as much as she was making.

All they have to do is last until I can graduate. That's it. That's like, only two and a half more years and I can work during the summer. I'll work full time. With no boy to distract me, what else do I have to do? And with two brothers going to college, a mortgage, bills, a father headed for a nursing home and my own college bills, what else can I justify doing?

This has all happened in the last two weeks. March really doesn't like me.


You know what's funny though? From the sound of this entry, I should be wallowing in depression. That's what I sound like. But honestly, besides for trouble sleeping and some strange lack of my normal hunger, I'm perfectly fine. I feel rather lonely and I'd really like for someone to just hold me, but besides for that, I'm my normal happy self. And I feel honestly okay. I actually feel as though there's this barrier between me and this stress and sadness I should be feeling. I display several symptoms of anxiety disorder, like constant fidgeting and slight memory deterioration compared to what it used to be like, but I don't actually feel anxious.

Really, I feel optimistic generally about life and rather happy when it comes down to it. It's pretty odd. With all this stuff, you'd think I wouldn't be as happy as I normally am. Or even almost as happy. I don't know.

I got my tattoo, my 18 and 15 on my wrist. I can't believe I actually did it but I love it and I think I had really good timing. I don't know why I feel so resilient. It's probably partially cause I'm away from the problem and don't have to live it. I wouldn't be talking much to my boy right now anyway and I'm 200 miles away from what causes me pain. Whatever it is it's awesome- I'm okay, I'm happy!


And apparently my mom might keep her job.
So hot.

i am going to be so sick.




when you go i'll let you be
but you're killing everything in me